My Little Heart

It's been a busy, uneventful day.  Aside from my incessant cleaning to try to make my house, that still needs much attention, look more like a home, not a whole lot happened.  Life has continued moving no matter what activities I have chosen to spend my time doing.

Yet He's been there, working on me.  I am so grateful and blessed that one of my most wonderful friends that I've gotten to watch grow from a struggling teenager into a hard worker and minister for the Lord has returned from her missions trip to Turkey.  For three weeks I have prayed, waited for messages and pictures, wished myself to be there with her, and now she is safely home and I am quite certain exploding with the moments the Father has given her these many days.

I have been battling a plague of moths in our home.  Summer time is here and they are out.  And EVERYWHERE.  On everything.  In everything.  My husband and I Googled what we could possibly do last night and we have a few tricks to try to hopefully put a dent in the masses that think our home is now theirs.  But you know what?  As I laid down in my bed last night, my large, soft king sized bed thinking, "Gosh, why do we have to deal with moths?  This is crazy!" I remembered sleeping on another bed, nearly a year ago.  A stuffed mattress that slumped if you stayed in one place to long, with flat pillows and an old blanket.  A mosquito net hung above my head to cover my body, to protect me from disease carrying insects while I slept.  It was hot and humid in the Kenyan air yet every night I went to sleep trying to fully comprehend where I was, and every morning I would wake up to the sound of children singing praises to their heavenly Father at morning worship.

Why do you complain?  Sometimes God doesn't mince words.  He doesn't let us down gently.  Especially with me, He really doesn't anymore.  Because He knows...that I already know.  Since getting married, I'll be honest, I complain.  About a lot of things but the words come to my lips before I even think about them.  And I did something the other day that I should have known would lead to more.  I asked Him to show me.  To show me the parts of myself that are not right.  That are not true.  That are not pure.  That are not lovely, of good report, honest.  And guess what He did.  If you could believe it, He did just that.

I like to think that I have this heart that is so big that it will just swallow the world's problems  and bring all the good to all His people.  Yet I find myself feeling swallowed up by all the things that I would like to see be different.  I feel swamped with all that I expect from myself.  There are days when I don't know if this heart that I thought was so big can take much more.

Then He comes, He take up my little heart, and He does something amazing.  He fills it so full of love, of grace, of mercy, of thankfulness, of forgiveness and says, "Now start walking.  I'll tell you where to go but I want you to empty that little heart of yours.  I'll give you more when it's gone but for now, Go Be My Love."

And so I go.  I try my level best to love, to care, to listen, to be His hands and feet and His mouth.  Sometimes I don't do so well, but He helps me back up and shows me how to get stronger yet lean more on Him for His Words and guidance.  I sleep in my bed and I think about 210 little hands and feet tucked onto plain mattresses, trusting God with their whole hearts.  I look at my husband and say Thank You God for my husband.  I look up at the star filled sky and say, "Look at how big my God is."

This Blessed, Broken House 1

Okay, since you all can't come over to our house and see what's going on right this moment, I thought I'd start doing some updates.  I'll try to remember to put these on as we continue through this process we're in.

This is my husband, and I'm about to show you the tornado like damage that we also name progress that he has made in the last two days.

 We have multiple big, beautiful trees on our land.  They just happened to have been left to themselves for the last three years and if the  beginning of this storm season is any indicator of the rest of the season, we decided it would be wise to clean up some limbs.

I did say some, right?

This is the sinkhole that is left from an old cistern that was on the property before.  Now it is where our dog likes to lay during the heat of the day because the sand is so cool.

More of the path of destruction called my husband. :)

Need firewood?  We got firewood.

This is Nyah.  She keeps us focused on our work....not.

Doing some thinking.  We have so much to do in this house and we're excited to do it all!!!!

This is our home from the view of the field to the north.

Him: Hey, do you want these bushes taken out?

Her: No, I think they'll be okay if we just trim them down below the windowsill.

Him: Hmm...

Sound of a chainsaw starting up.

Him: There ya go.

Bonus!  After he cleaned up our bushes with his handy dandy chainsaw, he pulls out an old clay pot that will soon be receiving a new paint job.

Just a few pictures of what's going on with us.  We've been so blessed and we're definitely getting some bonding time in this first year of our marriage.  Have a great Wednesday tomorrow everyone!

The Prayer in the Desert

One of my favorite songs is called Desert Song by Hillsong.  I've loved it for so long and I've thought about it a lot recently.  In the song, it goes through three places that we may find ourselves and the prayer that is spoken at each one.  I want to go through each one of those places over the next few days because there are far too many people caught in these places and I know too well that when we're there, it's hard to find your song.

The first the the Desert:

Throughout the Bible, we can find the desert everywhere.  When the children of Israel left Egypt, they entered a journey through the desert
 that would last them for forty years.  A journey that shouldn't have even taken them 1 year!  These people knew what it meant to be in the desert.

I've never really spent much time in the desert aside from a few trips to the southeast many years ago, but my dad has spent far too many years in the deserts of the middle east.  Temperatures that can rise well over the hundreds for months on end.  Sand storms. drought.  It can be pretty rough living.

When we look at our lives and whatever situation we're facing, does it look anything like this?  Do you feel weak from trying to walk on and on in the heat with no rest?  Is your canteen of the Living Water seeming to run a little too low to quench your thirst? Are you hungry from the bare surroundings you've found yourself in?

I encourage you to look at the chapters and chapters in the Bible where the children of Israel traveled and wandered.  Beginning in Exodus 16, they find themselves in the wilderness and this begins a forty year cycle that they fall into of disobedience and hardness.  This is coming from the same people who saw plague after plague fall onto Pharaoh's house and who saw the Red Sea part in half allowing them to walk across on dry ground.  Yet they complain.  God feeds them manna from Heaven and they still complain.  They are led by a cloud during the day and a pillar of fire by night.  They grumble.

What I have to remind myself most about this story was that God led them out of Egypt but He also led them INTO the wilderness.  He took them there!  He allowed them, led them into that situation!  What?  Why did He do it?

One reason: So that His power could be manifested in their lives and so that He could lead them into the land He'd promised Abraham generations before.

Whatever desert you are finding yourself in, you have plenty of options on what to do there.  You can grumble and complain.  You can cry and demand to know why in the world God would let you come to such a place when you used to have it so good.  You can turn your face from God and find something else that you think will serve you better.

OR...

You can find a song and a prayer for the Lord.  Bend your knees, place them in the hot sand and pray.  How can we do this?  Amidst pain.  Sickness.  Loss.  Death.  Disappointment.  Loneliness.  How can we sing in the midst of such trial?  By looking ahead to a place that we KNOW He has waiting for us.  A place prepared for us, flowing with milk and honey.  He has a promised land waiting on the other side of this desert.  You can either complain through forty years of travel and fall short of it, or you can strap on your sandals.  Pick up your harp.  And raise your voice as you push on towards all that He has for you.

Have a wonderful Thursday.  Be blessed as you bless one another.

...I Win...

Peace Like A River

There comes a moment when you think about all that you face, all that you struggle with, all that strikes fear into your heart regarding the future and you just can't find the words to say.  Then you hear the beating of drums and the piano starting to play and you realize that God has been trying to speak to you past all of the dear and all of the circumstance that has seemed to create an ocean around you.

Then the words come.

No matter what the weapon is, I want you to know that I win.

Those words....I Win......have been on my heart, my mind, my lips, and on every blog and text message  I've sent since I wrote that blog about my sickness.  I feel like a cannon about to blow as my best friend turns to me and says "It's your song".  She had no idea how true that was.  I felt something come over me that I don't know if I've ever felt before.  Overwhelming, uncontrollable presence.  The strength that I've prayed for.  Like a general laying a battle plan before me.  The words rang as the choir sang each one.
If I won't doubt, He'll bring me out.
If I obey, He'll make a way.
If I believe I will receive,
EVERYTHING He's promised me.

I've got more tears in my eyes even as I type those words because whether my body or my infirmity or my circumstance ever receives healing, I received promises one after another tonight.

His grace is sufficient.
I will win.
I am stronger.
His presence is real and it is here.  Right here.  Right now.  Holding me, comforting me, preparing me for whatever is coming.
He is stronger.

I had these crazy changes throughout our worship where I was crying and shaking (and I'm talking an ugly cry), then I would feel the most amazing peace wash over me and I couldn't stop smiling.

When I would cry, I would cry because of the unmistakable word of God telling me that He was there.  He knew.  I could see.  He could feel.  He knows suffering and He suffers with his children.  Then the peace was one thing and I recognized it immediately.  It was the love.  The comfort.  The strong arms of a Father holding me despite my great sins and my imperfect heart.  Despite my situations and my battles.  He held me.  And He's still holding me.  And even as I type, I feel His presence of His Holy Spirit surrounding me, washing over me with love and grace.

My battle is not done.  I know.  The devil can tell that his time is coming to an end very soon so he's going to try his level best to hurt us and attack us before his time is up.  I heard a pastor preaching over marriage not long ago and in it he described satan as a spirit of the python.  Not a spirit of rattlesnake or cobra.  Because he doesn't want to kill you immediately but rather squeeze and wrap himself around you slowly and with each wrap, he steals more of your influence.

Well I am happy to announce that this child of God is keeping her influence specifically for the Father's use and I've got an amazing suit of armor that will withstand and outlast every dart and arrow that comes my way and the edge won't pierce me nor with the fire burn me.  Because even as this world tries to force me into a burning furnace, they'll find that the flames don't even singe my garment and that I'm not standing alone there.

Whatever situation this world is trying to put you in and whatever weapons satan tries to use against you, remember that this battle has already been won and as long as you keep your faith in Him.  I can tell you that it doesn't get any better than this amazing Heavenly Father.

God bless!  Have a fantastic week!  Be blessed and bless others wherever you go.

...I Win...

For the girls...Put it in a Ponytail!

Okay, so yes, almost 2 months have gone by since I squeezed into my lovely wedding dress, (I still love looking at that thing), and walked down a long isle under the stares and smiles of a few hundred people, and was joined to my best friend in marriage.

Since then, boy things have changed.  I've learned more about myself than I think I've learned about him.  (And let me tell ya, you learn a lot when you occupy the same house as a man). ;)  But the Lord has really made me see some things in myself in these past 2 months.  Some wonderful.  Others not so much.  Some made me laugh.  Others made me break down and cry.

I wish I had seen some of these things back when I was a teenager with all my fairy tale visions of one day my prince riding up on a mighty black steed and sweeping me up and carrying me off to his palace.  As I've said before, instead of a knight in shining armor, I got a handsome hunter with a scruffy beard and wearing camo.  Instead of a big horse, he drove up in a big truck.  Instead of sweeping me up in my smitten self, he had to pray and chase after me for months before I got the okay from the Lord to give the poor guy a date.

Things I've learned:
1) My hair doesn't matter.
I like fashion and looking nice as much as the next girl, but I am ashamed to say that for years I was obsessed with it and worse than that, it came in the form me looking at other people, wanting to be like them or look like them, then beating myself up because I could never measure up.  My hair has been something that I've always been worried about. To cut or not to cut.  Curly? Straight?  It was my biggest example of my pride and it was something that the Lord had to point out to me among many other things.  I had to learn to be beautifully imperfect and that was where I found true comfort and joy with who God made me.  I learned it was okay to put that messy hair up in a ponytail.  :)

2) Let that boy CHASE YOU!
In a society bent on feminazi ideals where the girl takes charge and overpowers the men in her life, God is calling His daughters to shine a different light.  One of respect and honor and submission.  Not being trampled over, but rather stepping into a role specifically built for us.  When Talor began to pursue me, it was the first time I completely trusted God with my love story, knowing that He knew how it ended. It's so worth it!

3) Open up your heart....and close off that body!
The good guys.  The best guys.  The man that God has ordained for you will look at you and think you are attractive...yes.  Will like your smile and tell you're beautiful...he better.  But more than that, he will be able to see a heart that beats so strongly for the Lord that in order to get close to you, he has to enter the presence of God and grow closer to Him first.  That is what any relationship worth having will be built off of.

4) Patience...Patience...Patience...Patience...Patience...
I am ashamed looking back on my first few weeks of married life.  It was wonderful, but it was also hard.  I had no patience!  I got irritated at the slightest little thing and when you live in a house with someone else, someone you're very new to living with, everyone suffers.

So, I don't know why but I just felt pressed to put some of these things that I am still learning and growing in.  If it was for no one else, then it was an excellent reminder for me.

Love you all.  God Bless.

.I Win.

I Win

It's been a rough week.

There is something in my body that has no name...yet.

I've struggled with an unknown sickness for years and this week, as I left our Sunday night church service early, I nearly lost it.  I'm tired.  I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.  Everyday I try to press back a fear that it's going to come back and control the rest of my day.  I pray, I fast, I sow seeds yet it returns.

Tonight as I came home from Dallas with my husband, there is was again, flowing up in my body and putting me on my back.

I managed to take a shower and while I did, I struggled with a rising panic as words and thoughts rose inside those walls like the steam from the water.

What if it never goes away?

What if you never learn what it is?

What kind of wife will you be if you're sick all the time?

What kind of mom can you be if you can't shake this illness?

Is God even listening to your prayers?  Does He hear you?

They were powerful.  They were strong and I felt like I was going to suffocate beneath them.  As I fought against them, a song came to my mind and I began to sing:

Soon and very soon, my King is coming.

Robed in righteousness, and crowned with love.

When I see Him I shall be made like Him.

Soon and very soon.

I will be with the One I love.

With unveiled face I'll see Him.

Then my soul, will be satisfied.

Soon and very soon.

I began to think about one day, one glorious day when I will no longer feel pain or sickness or weakness in my body.  I will get to go be with my Father in Heaven and this life will seem like a mist in the past, finished and over.

At the same time, that thought gave me an urgency that even though I am struggling with this, even as I type, there is still work to be done.  And I know that because I am still alive, my job is not done here.

I turned on a series that my husband led me to a while back called, "Living Free: Breaking the Cycle of Defeat".  I've been listening to it and feeling His strength come into me through the words of James Robison as he talks about his own struggles with illness and the cancer his daughter fought.  How she described the Lord holding her as she fought that sickness.  How she came out victorious in the end and is now well.

He used a scripture from Romans and when I looked it up in the Message version, I couldn't help crying.  Chapter 8 verse 28:

Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

Everything that I suffer and struggle with.  Everything that you struggle with and suffer under in this life is worked for a good and mighty purpose if we stay with Him and trust Him and love Him no matter how our flesh groans and sighs.

See I know that there is a plan for me and my husband.  A great plan.  I don't know all about it but I'm excited to find out.  And when I look ahead, I see a day where I walk boldly each day without any sickness in my body and I can hold someone's hand as they struggle with a sickness or illness or unnamed infirmity and say, "Everything will work out for good.  It will."

Tomorrow I will go see a doctor and I'm praying that the Lord will guide her to give a name to what I'm struggling with .  Please pray with me and if you have a need or a struggle or anything that I can pray for, e-mail me at kayleejinks@outlook.com because in this life, no one needs to be alone.

God bless you this week in all that you do.

...I WIN...

Grief

In my last few posts, the words life and hard have come up multiple times.  Because life can be hard.  In fact we're guaranteed troubles in this life.  We struggle with grief and loss.  We have fears and worries if we allow them.  Tonight, my mind is on two different pieces of scripture.

The first is in Ecclesiastes where it says that "For everything there is a season.  A time for every purpose under Heaven."

If you read it in chapter 3, you will find both the good and the bad.  The beautiful and the ugly.  The joyful and the destructive.  These things will make up life, yet it depends on us and how we react to each one of what the outcome will be.

I look at Job.  A strong, prosperous man.  A wealthy man in belongings as well as family.  A man caught in the cross hairs of satan.  A man of great faith and a man greatly tested by the trials of the world.  Losing everything he had, his family, and his own health, he finds himself sitting in his own filth wondering where God is.  I LOVE LOVE LOVE the answer God gives him.  In many chapters (38-41) God asks him a series of questions.  The first is " Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?"

If that tells you anything about what all follows, I would not have wanted to stand in his shoes.  But all in all, God was and is still saying to us today, "You have a small vantage point to what all I can see.  Trust me.  I have you covered."

No matter what losses we suffer, what fears come our way, what things may shake our faith, we can stand firmly on the Rock knowing that God is still God and Jesus Christ is still our risen Savior and Lord.

So no matter what comes, I will choose to say that no matter what is given or taken away, 

Blessed by the Name of the Lord.